Coquito, Pernil and Pasteles...

And the last newsletter of the year

If anyone of Mami’s Maniacs would like to send Starbucks gift cards or trinkets to Mami, she now has a P.O.Box.

Mami Maisonet
5960 S Land Park #222
Sacramento, CA 95822

If you want to contribute to this artist in residence, mami’s f’ing expensive ass burgers or Dollar Tree visits:

Venmo: @illya-maiso

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Yup! This will be my last newsletter of the year. I’m not writing this on the fly. By the time you receive this newsletter I’ll be in residence, trying to stay focused and finally transcribing from videos some of the recipes Mami and I have been working on. She’ll undoubtedly be binging the Queen’s Gambit for the second time because she knows she, “missed some details.”

The weather outside is frightful. Last Saturday morning I have not been happier to roll out of bed at 7AM and jump into the GTI with my pajamas still on. I opened my screen door and the wintriness immediately grabbed hold of my chest and my breath billowed before me. My bare toes were fidgeting in the morning air, but it wasn’t until I started the car and she *pinged* to alert me it was 33°F. “Awww…you cold?” I anthropomorphically inquired. While she defrosted and my ass was thoroughly toasted from the seat warmer, Mami texted me to announce that yes, she is still the queen around here. And requested Starbucks. Something I don’t think she’s ever done. Which one of her maniacs taught her this?

I walked up Mami’s driveway, balancing two tall mochas with whole milk in their annual festive Christmas takeout cups, and cut across the lawn. The frost had bitten the blades of grass and the frozen flakes crunched under the weight of my chanclas. The barrio was quiet. Except for the damn rooster. Yup, he’s still around.

Mami hadn’t risen from her throne just yet. I placed the cups on her kitchen counter. I opened all of her heavy ass tapestry curtains to let it as much light as her half-plex will allow. I opened the attached garage door to let the cats inside. They cooed and stretched and engaged in their various yoga poses and demanded their breakfast. Mami, being the Cancer that she is, came out of her shell when she heard all of the commotion. We drank our coffee, commenced in our ritualistic morning bochinche, ate some cheese and crackers. An hour had gone by and then Mami deemed it time to begin working on the most laborious of Puerto Rican recipe: Pasteles. Is there a recipe for you? Of course! But, this is one of my family’s recipes that I have never published because you don’t deserve to have it for free. It’s hard work.

Pasteles are…dumplings? Every household has their own recipe. Our pasteles; the exterior is made from mashed green bananas, platano, yautia (taro-type root), and a littleeeeeeee bit of papa. We haven’t gone the route of using one of the new machines that will breakdown all of your viandas and turn them into masa for the small price of $300. Since we make such a small batch, we’re still using our box graters from the Mesoamerica era. The grated banana mixture makes a paste/masa, which is spread on an Achiote-oil ladened banana leaf - my family does it on foil for geographically non-accessible banana leaves in 1950s Sacramento, CA reasons - stuffed with stewed pork or other fillings, wrapped in parchment paper and then boiled. The result ending, if properly done, in a supple and tender log that resembles a brown turd. You fish out your chosen pastel from the cauldron of scalding hot water, make a slit into the foil where a gust of steam is released, remove the foil and what you’re left with is a firm, yet tender, little gift: parcels of love turds.

If pastel masa does not have the delicate balance between soft viandas and fat to create the suppleness that is required, then sinverguenzas will schlop a ton of ketchup on them and deem it edible. There’s an ongoing war waged against those who do and do not put ketchup on their pasteles. Pasteles might be Puerto Ricans’ oldest recipe. The introduction of ketchup might be one of Puerto Ricans’ newest additions. Some consider eating pasteles with ketchup “traditional.” I consider it colonial Stockholm syndrome.

Either way…

It ain’t a Puerto Rican Christmas without pasteles, coquito or pernil.

I’ve long ago had my coquito and pernil recipes published. Although, I noticed a bit of errors in some of them. Either details got lost in translation when you’re talking to the recipe developers at the publications, or you just reply “ok” when you’re tired of trying to explain that our food doesn’t always work the way Eurocentric food works.

COQUITO

No, it’s not Puerto Rican eggnog. I published this Coquito recipe in December of 2019 for Wine Enthusiast.

It should also be noted that after you blend it and transfer it from the blender into whatever serving vessel it goes into, you should pass it through a sieve. That way it captures the bits of spices that didn’t disintegrate.

PERNIL

Above Image: Celeste Noche

This is probably one of my most popular recipes publicized to date. It’s also one of the most beautifully photographed! Thanks to Celeste Noche. It turns out, people love to see hulking and golden brown meat roasts. This is the recipe that I wish I could add to. I never look at the weight of my roasts. And I know that 5 pounds is probably way less than I buy for Christmas.

*Note for this recipe: You don’t need to flip the roast every hour. Just leave it. And it’ll probably take 6-7 hours to get fall apart tender. If you test it, let me know.

Welp, that’s it for this year. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.

Remember that in less than 30 days it’ll be 2021. Mami loves all of you.

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If anyone of Mami’s Maniacs would like to send Starbucks gift cards or trinkets to Mami, she now has a P.O.Box.

Mami Maisonet
5960 S Land Park #222
Sacramento, CA 95822

And as always:

You can still see all past stories on my portfolio where I store clips.

https://eatgordaeat.blogspot.com/

If you want to contribute to this artist in residence, mami’s f’ing expensive ass burgers or Dollar Tree visits:

Venmo: @illya-maiso