The Secret I've Been Keeping From Y'all...
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I won a James Beard Award; Emerging Voice: Books
THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR HELP!
When they released all of the nominees I had no idea about my own nomination. But, I got a call on May 2nd that said, “You have won a James Beard award for Emerging Voice: Books. YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE UNTIL THE NIGHT OF THE CEREMONY. Goodbye.”
There were no other nominees in my category. Category: illyanna.
You’re probably thinking that I started to freak out, right? I did. I hung up the phone and calmly said (from the front of the house) to my partner (who was in the back of the house), “Dude. I just won a Beard Award.”
SO. MANY. TIMES. the people who were the closest to me (the closest!), the ones the fairytales say should be rooting for you…the social media posts that say “marry your best friend,”…they were all telling me to “quit this shit and get a real job,” so many times during this journey. While people from the outside looking in were telling me I couldn’t do it, many people from the inside were also telling me I couldn’t do it.
Timid and helpless baby-child illyanna would show up in front of me and remind me what it felt like to be voiceless and unseen; but feeling big emotions and being very sensitive. She’d remind me what it felt like to be unwanted by one of the people that’s supposed to love you the most. To take a beating by the people that your safety is entrusted to. To remember what it was like when you suddenly didn’t have your mom or your prima-hermana to protect you. Baby-child illyanna still hadn’t healed or let it all go. It felt like everyone was against me and no one was emotionally supporting me. Except for me. I had to believe in myself and keep it moving.
We fucking did it!
Now I had a month to get a dress (and anyone who is plus size knows the disaster of trying to find a fancy dress in a short period of time) and had to get the money together. Oh, yeah. You won. But, you have to fly to Chicago. Which means you have to pay to pick up the award. “I guess I ain’t going, “ I said to myself. I couldn’t ask anyone for money because I couldn’t tell anyone what it was for. I couldn’t even tell my publicist.
Y’all know that I’ve been swimming. For how long now? A year or two? There’s a group of elder hens at the place where I swim. They love to bochinche/chisme and they love to do it with me because they think I’m famous. I hadn’t been back to the pool for a few months (during that time some of the ladies had sent me well wishes via email for my GMA appearance, ect) and when I returned, one of the ladies made a comment that included the sentence, …“she’s rich now!” For some reason, it really rubbed me the wrong way. What I wanted to say was, “Lady! I don’t know who the hell told you that. If I was rich, do you really think I’d come to this ramshackle for a swim?”
There seems to be this disconnect and misconception that once people see you on television, they think you’ve made it. It being money. And that’s not entirely their fault. The powers that be want to keep that mystery surrounding entertainment and the fact is that a lot of mafuckas out here ain’t getting paid for any of it. Solidarity with WGA!
Remember my book tour? I had to pay to fly to all of those places to sign those books: Seattle, Los Angeles, New York. The authors pay. We pay! The publisher doesn’t cover that shit. The Milk Street class I taught and they sold tickets to? I didn’t get a cut. 92Y cooking class I taught and they sold tickets to? I didn’t get a cut. It’s industry standard for an author to do these things for free whilst they’re on their book tour. When one of my flights got cancelled and I was supposed to appear at a bookstore, the bookstore owner actually suggested I take the Amtrak or drive. A drive that would have taken me half a day. To show up for an event where I wasn’t being paid, but rather paying to be there.
There’s a reason only a specific demographic is out here in this space. And I’m not even talking about race. I’m talking about MONEY! When we’re asking for inclusivity and diversity, we’re also talking about socioeconomic diversity. I don’t know about you, but I grew up with some poor ass white folks!
Thanks everyone for your help!
I actually emailed the JBFA committee and told them, “I can’t afford to go.” And that was the damn truth.
Listen, I know you’re like, “Damn, here we go with the begging again. I just bought her damn book. And her spices. What more does this heffa want?!”
“Siri, cue In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah Mclaughlin.”
But, no, for real though. Some of y’all have been here since before 2020 (even though I’ve been at it since 2014) and know the amount of shit I’ve gone through to get here. I mean, if we’re playing Adversity Bingo, some of y’all have definitely already hit the jackpot dealing with my ass. LMAO!
In the meantime, I’m turning the comment section into an AMA. So, if you want to know anything about what happened or awards ceremony…whatever! Ask in the comments.
I love y’all. Although sometimes you drive me crazy. But, I guess that’s family.
You are a spectacular human. Being a pioneer is lonely and hard, but you have community that loves and adores you. It’s not weakness to ask for help, it’s why we’re all here ❤️. Big love to you from Seattle!
When you write your next book, make sure your contract covers costs for the book tour, press, ALL that! You're promoting those books for the publisher too. Hell, we know they profit a lot more from each book sold than the author does! Insist on what you deserve. You are an asset, you ARE a success. Also, where can we see your acceptance speech in full?