One of the best things my bro (RIP) ever did was pre-pay for his cremation services. He knew he might not make it out of addiction, so when he had a sober period and a decent job, he went and signed up with the state cremation society. Not for everyone, for sure, but it made everything one bit less stressful during a traumatic loss. My mom and other bro is signed up too, and spouse and I have to get on that.
Don’t even get me start on funeral homes owners. You’ll tell them you can’t afford something and they’ll try to guilt you, making it seem like you’re disrespecting your family member’s legacy. In black Southern families, a funeral is supposed to be your home going and celebration of your life, so that shit works.
I also remember AOC said when her father died with no life insurance, her and her siblings ran themselves into debt to pay for it. She said it took her five years to pay off the credit card she took out for the funeral. It’s a racket.
-PSA to any and all that are military and hoping to be buried in a vet cemetery... PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE get your shit in order before you die. the military/government/funeral home WILL NOT HAVE THIS STUFF "ON FILE" unless YOU do all YOUR paperwork. you might think in 2022 there would be some central computer system that can simply confirm your service and your discharge and your eligibility for such things but there isn't. my uncle got his paperwork for being buried in the vet cemetery when he was discharged and he never filled it out. he and my aunt were "getting around to it" for fucking fifty years. then he died and we had to keep him on ice while my aunt turned her house upside down looking for that literal piece of paper. no one would do a damn thing without it. we even called the national archives who told us there was a fire (??) so his records could have been destroyed and basically they had no idea thank you goodbye. it was like, the only thing my uncle cared about in terms of his death and bless, the universe allowed my aunt to find that piece of paper but HOO BOY. (did i mention my aunt has a house that is so full of stuff no one has been allowed to visit in years? ok.)
-if you want a mass, BE IN GOOD STANDING AT YOUR CHURCH. you can't just get anyone to give anyone a mass on a whim. and you'll probably have to go sit and talk with the priest or deacon or whoever (i'm atheist i don't know shit about shit lol) about your situation. and perhaps make a nice donation. my aunt decided in the eleventh hour she must have a mass for my uncle at a very specific church he hadn't attended in decades. my mom cashed in all her favors and was able to make it happen but do not assume you can just be having church services whenever and wherever for whoever. it doesn't work like that.
-make sure the executors of your will are up to date and know who they are and who else is co-executing. if at all possible, have a safe or something where you keep everything they'll need to know. also don't light a match for family drama and leave it to blow up after you die, that's rude. my mom found out that the other executor besides herself on my aunt's will is my aunt's brother. i'm not even going to go into why but i'll just say that for Very Very Good Reasons literally no one will be in a room with this person. my mom was like, change that shit or when you die i won't be lifting a finger.
Sending some extra calm for the next try for your MRI, and for your mom's scan stuff too. It is hard, it is frightening, it is logistically nightmareish, and astronomically expensive. And all the stuff that comes after. This is big for me right now-- thank you so much I am gathering as much info as I possibly can. I am so glad for all the stuff you aren't afraid to talk about, because, it is totally just the nitty gritty (and totally painfully gritty) every day work and everyone acts like it is not even a thing. Thank you.
The first time I ever thought about the cost of death was when I was probably a freshman in high school and read “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”. The family saves their nickels and dimes for life insurance and it’s never ever enough. I was outraged at this then, and still am, now.
also, my mom had to have an MRI not that long ago for a possibly cancerous spot they couldn't get with a mammogram because of the location. she was legit more bothered by the MRI than anything else on this particular journey because she's really claustrophobic. also, we're both fat so she was confiding in me she had additional anxiety about being too fat for the table and all this and that. it was a multi-pronged ball of worries and fears. BUT! it turned out fine. everything went fine. the doc prescribed her some medication to take that day to chill her out - i don't know if this would be an option for you, because you'll need to have someone drive you. but just throwing it out there along with good vibes for your next try <3
This shit is so real. Just the logistics alone, trying to handle them when you're dealing with a loss, are appalling. I lost my first son after 3 days of life - one of the most traumatizing things imaginable. I had to handle all of the logistics while going through that experience and just trying to stay alive through it all. There should be services that hospitals offer to guide you through the process, but instead i had to call around to funeral homes just to see who could retrieve my dead son's body and cremate it. This went on for weeks. And it cost a fortune! When I had been on medical leave in the middle of COVID!
When it came to death/funerals, it was very common growing up around it. I remember visiting family on their death beds then a week or so later watching them getting buried. Culturally, it’s celebrated as big as a new birth or wedding. So I was grateful for the exposure as a child until I recognized the unresolved trauma my parents had with their parents passing. My Mom became obsessed with conversations around death to the point where every conversation was “I don’t think your Papayeyo (Grandpa) is going to make it this year…” He lived to be 103!!! She focused on that man for so long and it dawned on me she might be deflecting. She has a plan for herself, paid i believe. I’ve looked up the costs of cremation thinking it’ll be a few hundred… nope try a few THOUSAND. With the way the world is and now realizing how expeditious the process is for anyone after they pass, I’ll actually look more seriously into having a plan laid out for my eventual demise. Normalize getting your “affairs in order” without the daunting feeling of dread or fear. Thank you for this piece!!!
I never knew much about any of it until my grandmother passed away. Just my mother and aunt to take care of funeral arrangements and such. So I was able to be around and in the rooms to see some of the costs of things and yeah it is so expensive.
I talk about death just about everyday, and have skulls decorating my desk at work. (I'm an educator at a zoo, so we have lots of skulls) I think it weirds people out :) I told my family long ago, if I die, just put me in the ground. Nowadays there have been new laws passed to allow for more sustainable burial, and I am sure some people have found a way to make that expensive.
Illyana, I loved reading the newsletter I just received last! It is very thoughtful and thought provoking. As a caregiver, I also had many ups and downs. Coincidentally, I’d learned early on to think early about the next meal. Poverty. Death. Both difficult subjects still needing a public forum. Congratulations on the amazing Writing and much admiration ! Best wishes, Happy Holidays!!
Such a good piece. Being a former health professional I'm open about death. I nursed my father and grandfather through their illness and deaths, even performing last offices on my grandfather and helping the funeral directors get him ready to leave his home.
One of the best things my bro (RIP) ever did was pre-pay for his cremation services. He knew he might not make it out of addiction, so when he had a sober period and a decent job, he went and signed up with the state cremation society. Not for everyone, for sure, but it made everything one bit less stressful during a traumatic loss. My mom and other bro is signed up too, and spouse and I have to get on that.
Don’t even get me start on funeral homes owners. You’ll tell them you can’t afford something and they’ll try to guilt you, making it seem like you’re disrespecting your family member’s legacy. In black Southern families, a funeral is supposed to be your home going and celebration of your life, so that shit works.
I also remember AOC said when her father died with no life insurance, her and her siblings ran themselves into debt to pay for it. She said it took her five years to pay off the credit card she took out for the funeral. It’s a racket.
additional tips & tricks for when you die:
-PSA to any and all that are military and hoping to be buried in a vet cemetery... PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE get your shit in order before you die. the military/government/funeral home WILL NOT HAVE THIS STUFF "ON FILE" unless YOU do all YOUR paperwork. you might think in 2022 there would be some central computer system that can simply confirm your service and your discharge and your eligibility for such things but there isn't. my uncle got his paperwork for being buried in the vet cemetery when he was discharged and he never filled it out. he and my aunt were "getting around to it" for fucking fifty years. then he died and we had to keep him on ice while my aunt turned her house upside down looking for that literal piece of paper. no one would do a damn thing without it. we even called the national archives who told us there was a fire (??) so his records could have been destroyed and basically they had no idea thank you goodbye. it was like, the only thing my uncle cared about in terms of his death and bless, the universe allowed my aunt to find that piece of paper but HOO BOY. (did i mention my aunt has a house that is so full of stuff no one has been allowed to visit in years? ok.)
-if you want a mass, BE IN GOOD STANDING AT YOUR CHURCH. you can't just get anyone to give anyone a mass on a whim. and you'll probably have to go sit and talk with the priest or deacon or whoever (i'm atheist i don't know shit about shit lol) about your situation. and perhaps make a nice donation. my aunt decided in the eleventh hour she must have a mass for my uncle at a very specific church he hadn't attended in decades. my mom cashed in all her favors and was able to make it happen but do not assume you can just be having church services whenever and wherever for whoever. it doesn't work like that.
-make sure the executors of your will are up to date and know who they are and who else is co-executing. if at all possible, have a safe or something where you keep everything they'll need to know. also don't light a match for family drama and leave it to blow up after you die, that's rude. my mom found out that the other executor besides herself on my aunt's will is my aunt's brother. i'm not even going to go into why but i'll just say that for Very Very Good Reasons literally no one will be in a room with this person. my mom was like, change that shit or when you die i won't be lifting a finger.
Sending some extra calm for the next try for your MRI, and for your mom's scan stuff too. It is hard, it is frightening, it is logistically nightmareish, and astronomically expensive. And all the stuff that comes after. This is big for me right now-- thank you so much I am gathering as much info as I possibly can. I am so glad for all the stuff you aren't afraid to talk about, because, it is totally just the nitty gritty (and totally painfully gritty) every day work and everyone acts like it is not even a thing. Thank you.
The first time I ever thought about the cost of death was when I was probably a freshman in high school and read “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”. The family saves their nickels and dimes for life insurance and it’s never ever enough. I was outraged at this then, and still am, now.
also, my mom had to have an MRI not that long ago for a possibly cancerous spot they couldn't get with a mammogram because of the location. she was legit more bothered by the MRI than anything else on this particular journey because she's really claustrophobic. also, we're both fat so she was confiding in me she had additional anxiety about being too fat for the table and all this and that. it was a multi-pronged ball of worries and fears. BUT! it turned out fine. everything went fine. the doc prescribed her some medication to take that day to chill her out - i don't know if this would be an option for you, because you'll need to have someone drive you. but just throwing it out there along with good vibes for your next try <3
This shit is so real. Just the logistics alone, trying to handle them when you're dealing with a loss, are appalling. I lost my first son after 3 days of life - one of the most traumatizing things imaginable. I had to handle all of the logistics while going through that experience and just trying to stay alive through it all. There should be services that hospitals offer to guide you through the process, but instead i had to call around to funeral homes just to see who could retrieve my dead son's body and cremate it. This went on for weeks. And it cost a fortune! When I had been on medical leave in the middle of COVID!
When it came to death/funerals, it was very common growing up around it. I remember visiting family on their death beds then a week or so later watching them getting buried. Culturally, it’s celebrated as big as a new birth or wedding. So I was grateful for the exposure as a child until I recognized the unresolved trauma my parents had with their parents passing. My Mom became obsessed with conversations around death to the point where every conversation was “I don’t think your Papayeyo (Grandpa) is going to make it this year…” He lived to be 103!!! She focused on that man for so long and it dawned on me she might be deflecting. She has a plan for herself, paid i believe. I’ve looked up the costs of cremation thinking it’ll be a few hundred… nope try a few THOUSAND. With the way the world is and now realizing how expeditious the process is for anyone after they pass, I’ll actually look more seriously into having a plan laid out for my eventual demise. Normalize getting your “affairs in order” without the daunting feeling of dread or fear. Thank you for this piece!!!
I never knew much about any of it until my grandmother passed away. Just my mother and aunt to take care of funeral arrangements and such. So I was able to be around and in the rooms to see some of the costs of things and yeah it is so expensive.
I talk about death just about everyday, and have skulls decorating my desk at work. (I'm an educator at a zoo, so we have lots of skulls) I think it weirds people out :) I told my family long ago, if I die, just put me in the ground. Nowadays there have been new laws passed to allow for more sustainable burial, and I am sure some people have found a way to make that expensive.
Thanks for sharing all your stories, and advice!
Illyana, I loved reading the newsletter I just received last! It is very thoughtful and thought provoking. As a caregiver, I also had many ups and downs. Coincidentally, I’d learned early on to think early about the next meal. Poverty. Death. Both difficult subjects still needing a public forum. Congratulations on the amazing Writing and much admiration ! Best wishes, Happy Holidays!!
Such a good piece. Being a former health professional I'm open about death. I nursed my father and grandfather through their illness and deaths, even performing last offices on my grandfather and helping the funeral directors get him ready to leave his home.