awhile back, i found myself with a very large social circle due to various life circumstances. it was fun in its own way but, as time went on i was becoming really tired and resentful of most of it. i was tired of smiling and laughing at stuff that actually made me very annoyed/uncomfortable, i was tired of excusing bad behavior on the basis of "that's just how they are" and because i didn't want to be That Person to start "drama", i was tired of dressing up a certain way, i was tired (so tired) of not being able to relax and have fun - sometimes even in our own home - because i had to be Party Mom, i was tired of getting cornered by people for way too long because they needed a therapist.
so i stopped doing it. and my circle shrank DRAMATICALLY. and it very quickly revealed people's motives for engaging with me. i'm still an HSP, i'm still considerate (and perhaps to a fault at times), my lot in life is still Listener - these things are just part of who i am, and that's okay, but i've set up boundaries to where it's (mostly) no longer to my detriment. one of the biggest ones is that people may no longer corner me to talk about Bad Times and Problems at inappropriate times. i've offered that they can email or text me the following day instead. and over the years this offer has been taken up only a handful of times, and by people i actually care about, people who would and have done the same for me.
so YES to your new year's resolution. it's hard, but it's worth it. and you can still be you. be considerate when it fills you up, when it satisfies you to do so. and when it doesn't? fuck 'em.
Whoa! Thanks for sharing. I have definitely learned in therapy that I'm a "Listener" and that made me mad. I didn't want to be. But, you've just said it's part of who you are. The acceptance on that is...🤌🏾🤌🏾🤌🏾🤌🏾
yeah me either! i think after a lifetime of being this person, which comes with a lot of other people telling you to be less sensitive, to grow a thicker skin, to simply "stop" doing stuff if it bothers you, you start taking all that to heart and you make negative associations with your own traits which is its own ball of trash to unravel. but we can use our powers for good ;) and selfishly too. we get to decide who has access to those parts of us and when. cheers!
I can't wait to see all the things you get to do for and with yourself with the extra space in your life as you learn to do this. People will either get comfortable with it or not - doesn't have to matter. Happy new year!
As a middle child and firstborn daughter, this has been my life. It's what I learned from an early age and the role I assumed until my mom's terminal diagnosis in 2020. Dismantling this role was not a conscious decision on my part. Six months is all we had, six months of meeting her every need. By the end, I had nothing else to give. I didn't even try. "No" became my favorite word. Family and friends survived without me. Everyone was able to figure out shit on their own. The freedom that came with that was so empowering that I never looked back. Some disappeared; that was a gift as well. That is the magic of honoring your boundaries by remaining consistent. Those that matter stay, those that don't simply go away. Wishing you an amazing 2022 full of healthy selfishness!
The image of you and Mami in front of the fire enjoying a classic Puerto Rican meal and the Nutcracker was beautiful. You sure know how to set up a story.
I am in a similar position and have decided for 2022 that I won't be doing the people pleasing. I won't be the one to take care of everyone first and leave myself in a bad position because I didn't take care of myself. I hope you have a good year!
Finally got to substack!!!! I so enjoy your newsletters. Change your mindset to the fact that you are putting yourself first and being considerate to yourself! It is the path to happiness. Practice saying no in different ways like: Thank you for thinking of me, I can refer to someone else That can do that for you! So many ways to say no without actually using the word.
Jan 4, 2022·edited Jan 4, 2022Liked by illyanna Maisonet
Cheers to the new 2022 Inconsiderate You! 👈🏽 (That should be an animated movie with Minions). And now I’m thinking about those shops full of fine porcelain wares . . . maybe I should retire that phrase - that would be appropriate and considerate
Happy New Year my friend. Here’s to saying no and following your heart instead of other peoples expectations. You should be considerate if you feel like it, not because it’s expected by other people. Dig into that authenticity, we need more of it in the world. Wishing you success and joy in your adventures, I will be here cheering you on.
Love that 2022 is your year of "no is a complete sentence." Thrilled for you!
Thank you for understanding! Happy New Year!
Saying more “no” was the best decision I ever made for myself and I hope it’s as good to you as it’s been to me. ❤️
Me too! Happy New Year!
awhile back, i found myself with a very large social circle due to various life circumstances. it was fun in its own way but, as time went on i was becoming really tired and resentful of most of it. i was tired of smiling and laughing at stuff that actually made me very annoyed/uncomfortable, i was tired of excusing bad behavior on the basis of "that's just how they are" and because i didn't want to be That Person to start "drama", i was tired of dressing up a certain way, i was tired (so tired) of not being able to relax and have fun - sometimes even in our own home - because i had to be Party Mom, i was tired of getting cornered by people for way too long because they needed a therapist.
so i stopped doing it. and my circle shrank DRAMATICALLY. and it very quickly revealed people's motives for engaging with me. i'm still an HSP, i'm still considerate (and perhaps to a fault at times), my lot in life is still Listener - these things are just part of who i am, and that's okay, but i've set up boundaries to where it's (mostly) no longer to my detriment. one of the biggest ones is that people may no longer corner me to talk about Bad Times and Problems at inappropriate times. i've offered that they can email or text me the following day instead. and over the years this offer has been taken up only a handful of times, and by people i actually care about, people who would and have done the same for me.
so YES to your new year's resolution. it's hard, but it's worth it. and you can still be you. be considerate when it fills you up, when it satisfies you to do so. and when it doesn't? fuck 'em.
Whoa! Thanks for sharing. I have definitely learned in therapy that I'm a "Listener" and that made me mad. I didn't want to be. But, you've just said it's part of who you are. The acceptance on that is...🤌🏾🤌🏾🤌🏾🤌🏾
yeah me either! i think after a lifetime of being this person, which comes with a lot of other people telling you to be less sensitive, to grow a thicker skin, to simply "stop" doing stuff if it bothers you, you start taking all that to heart and you make negative associations with your own traits which is its own ball of trash to unravel. but we can use our powers for good ;) and selfishly too. we get to decide who has access to those parts of us and when. cheers!
I can't wait to see all the things you get to do for and with yourself with the extra space in your life as you learn to do this. People will either get comfortable with it or not - doesn't have to matter. Happy new year!
Happy New Year!
As a middle child and firstborn daughter, this has been my life. It's what I learned from an early age and the role I assumed until my mom's terminal diagnosis in 2020. Dismantling this role was not a conscious decision on my part. Six months is all we had, six months of meeting her every need. By the end, I had nothing else to give. I didn't even try. "No" became my favorite word. Family and friends survived without me. Everyone was able to figure out shit on their own. The freedom that came with that was so empowering that I never looked back. Some disappeared; that was a gift as well. That is the magic of honoring your boundaries by remaining consistent. Those that matter stay, those that don't simply go away. Wishing you an amazing 2022 full of healthy selfishness!
Happy New Year. Loved this piece, here's to saying "no."
The image of you and Mami in front of the fire enjoying a classic Puerto Rican meal and the Nutcracker was beautiful. You sure know how to set up a story.
Thanks, Nancy! Happy New Year!
I am in a similar position and have decided for 2022 that I won't be doing the people pleasing. I won't be the one to take care of everyone first and leave myself in a bad position because I didn't take care of myself. I hope you have a good year!
Finally got to substack!!!! I so enjoy your newsletters. Change your mindset to the fact that you are putting yourself first and being considerate to yourself! It is the path to happiness. Practice saying no in different ways like: Thank you for thinking of me, I can refer to someone else That can do that for you! So many ways to say no without actually using the word.
Thank you for being here!
So good! Here’s to salud, amor, pesetas and lots of hell no in 2022 🙌
Cheers to the new 2022 Inconsiderate You! 👈🏽 (That should be an animated movie with Minions). And now I’m thinking about those shops full of fine porcelain wares . . . maybe I should retire that phrase - that would be appropriate and considerate
Happy New Year my friend. Here’s to saying no and following your heart instead of other peoples expectations. You should be considerate if you feel like it, not because it’s expected by other people. Dig into that authenticity, we need more of it in the world. Wishing you success and joy in your adventures, I will be here cheering you on.
My belly button was fine until I read this week's newsletter. And YES, I literally laughed out loud. 😄 Good kind of pain. Set those boundaries, girl!
😂😂😂😂 (checks Shawn’s belly button for good measure)
😄